NATIONWIDE—In a beautiful display of American tradition, millions of citizens across the country kicked off the holiday shopping season Friday by temporarily suspending all human decency, compassion, and self-awareness in pursuit of moderately discounted consumer electronics.

The annual celebration, which began mere hours after families gathered to express gratitude for what they already have, saw patriots of all ages sprinting, shoving, and occasionally brawling with complete strangers over the sacred right to save $40 on items they didn't know existed 24 hours ago.

"I'm truly blessed," said local man Marcus Chen, sporting a black eye and torn jacket after successfully elbowing a 67-year-old grandmother to secure a discounted 55-inch television. "This is what the Pilgrims would have wanted."

Federal economists declared the event an overwhelming success, noting that six separate trampling incidents represented an "encouraging sign" for Q4 GDP growth. "When we see Americans literally stepping on each other's faces for consumer goods, we know the economy is healthy," explained Treasury Department analyst Barbara Winters while reviewing footage of a crowd stampede at a Kansas City Target.

Retail employee Jennifer Martinez, 24, who was scheduled to work an 18-hour shift starting at 2am for $11 per hour, called the opportunity "an honor." "Most people only get to miss Thanksgiving dinner with their family once or twice in life," Martinez said while stocking shelves of air fryers that would be violently seized from her hands in approximately four hours. "I'm grateful Target believes in me."

The Morrison family of Ohio spent their Thanksgiving evening engaged in quality bonding time, reviewing tactical floor plans of their local Best Buy and discussing optimal escape routes. "We've color-coded the high-priority targets," said father Dale Morrison, pointing to a hand-drawn map marked with zones labeled "VIOLENT," "MODERATELY VIOLENT," and "POSSIBLY SURVIVABLE." "The key is treating it like military operation. Semper Fi, save $100."

Area resident Patricia Newman credited her year-round CrossFit regimen for her ability to successfully secure a $29.99 toaster oven, requiring her to vault over a fallen elderly man and execute what she described as a "textbook tackle" on a competing shopper. "You don't just wake up with this kind of cardiovascular endurance and moral flexibility," Newman explained while icing her bruised shoulder. "This takes dedication."

Medical professionals reported treating numerous Black Friday-related injuries, with most patients expressing satisfaction with their shopping outcomes despite the physical cost. Local man Robert Patterson, being treated for a concussion and two broken ribs, deemed his injuries "a small price to pay" for $40 in savings on an air fryer he will use twice before it gathers dust in his garage.

"The savings-to-injury ratio is excellent this year," Patterson noted from his hospital bed, clutching his receipt proudly. His $180 in total savings was offset by a $2,400 emergency room visit not covered by his insurance, which he described as "totally worth it."

In an innovative scheduling decision, several major retailers moved their doorbuster sales to 4am, which corporate communications framed as "allowing hardworking Americans to sleep in" compared to last year's midnight openings. The additional four hours of rest was praised by shoppers like Diana Wu, who had been camping outside the store entrance for 72 hours and described feeling "refreshed."

Wu and her husband celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary by spending three days in a tent outside Best Buy's entrance, an experience they called "romantic" and "exactly what we needed to reconnect as a couple." "Nothing says 'I love you' like tag-teaming strangers for electronics," Wu said while sharing a cold can of beans with her spouse at 3am Thursday morning.

A leaked internal memo from a major retail chain revealed corporate executives were "thrilled" by customer-on-customer violence metrics, with one VP writing that "when shoppers draw blood over our products, it demonstrates unparalleled brand loyalty." The memo encouraged store managers to "maintain optimal hostility levels" by ensuring inadequate supplies of doorbusters and hiring minimal security staff.

Industry analysts predict this year's Black Friday will generate approximately $78 billion in revenue, 147,000 minor injuries, 4,200 arrests, and immeasurable damage to the human soul—numbers that are "right on target with forecasts."

As the shopping frenzy continues through the weekend, Americans across the nation are reminded that the best way to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving—gratitude, family, and reflection—is to immediately forget about all of that and focus on acquiring more things at the expense of their dignity, safety, and fellow citizens.

At press time, the Morrison family was already making plans for next year's Black Friday assault, with young daughter Emma excitedly asking if she'd be "old enough to use pepper spray" by then.